Podcast Introduction:
[00:00:00] Erika: I didn't know that the term H S P existed for a very long time, highly sensitive person, but I was called too sensitive from childhood, my whole life. I was told to relax. It's not that big of a deal kind of thing. And so growing up I felt very much my emotions were too much and so I was too much.
[00:00:27] Aneta: We often hear people wishing us a long, happy, and healthy life. But what if the length isn't what matters most? What if instead, it's the breath, depth, and purpose of each day that matters most? Welcome to the Live the Width of Your Life podcast. My name is Aneta Ardelian Kuzma and join me as I interview guests who may changes in their own lives to live more fully with intention, gratitude, and joy. Be prepared to be inspired by their stories of how they shifted their mindset. Took courageous action and designed the life that they always wanted to live.
[00:01:01] Aneta: Thank you for listening to the Live the With of Your Life podcast. I am so grateful to you. I know that there are many podcasts out there, and I am so grateful that you have come back to listen to this particular one. Today's guest is Erika Belanger. Erika is a yoga teacher, somatic coach, and the host of the On and Off Your Map podcast. For the last eight years, Erika has helped sensitive women let go of overwhelm and overthinking by learning to manage their thoughts, feel their feelings, and heal their nervous systems through mind, body, and spirit practices. She's living proof of the power of self-healing as she herself has grown and worked through eating disorders, chronic illness, addiction, mental illness, patterns of self-sabotage and abandonment, and childhood trauma. She teaches online and in person for weeklong retreats, bringing her students and clients on a journey of awareness, compassion, embodiment, and transformation. Erika shared her journey on this podcast from burnout to living the life today that she loves. We talked about the evolution of her business, what it meant to be in alignment, how to heal our nervous systems, and the importance of taking care of ourselves. I am so grateful for this conversation. I think it's going to help a lot of people, and I think you're really going to enjoy it. Take a listen.
Podcast Interview
[00:02:24] Aneta: Hi, Erika. Thank you so much for joining me today.
[00:02:28] Erika: Thank you so much for having me. It's a pleasure to be here.
[00:02:31] Aneta: I am so excited to have this discussion cuz you and I had an opportunity to speak on your show most recently. And I was so excited to invite you on because I think that my listeners in this community are really going to be inspired by your story. So for those that don't know you as well as I do, do you mind sharing a little bit about your background and your journey to how you got to be where you are today?
[00:02:56] Erika: Yeah, that would be my pleasure. So I'm originally from Montreal, Canada, and I found myself really unhappy there for many reasons, but one reason was the winter was very difficult for me emotionally and physically. So about 10 years ago, I decided to adventure and leave and move abroad. So I've been on this journey of adventuring, and right now I'm living in Costa Rica, which has been such a beautiful blessing. The heat. The beach. The jungle feels very good to my heart. And in parallel with that, when I left Canada, I was really sick and there was other stuff going on, so there was definitely a healing needed to happen and that was not a one-and-done kind of thing. It's been layers of discovery and transformation and healing through the years and when I left Canada, I was a school teacher and I literally burnt out and so I took the first year when I moved to Europe, I took a year off completely and I was fortunate enough to be able to do that financially at that point, being supported by my husband or husband then. And so I took that year of lease and when I was ready to go back to work, I knew that teaching in the school setting was not the healthy choice for me for the future to continue if I really wanted to take care of myself. I knew I wanted to be a teacher. It's always kind of been part of how I function in the world. And so I ask myself how else can I be a teacher? What else am I passionate about? And what came up really clearly was yoga. So I became a certified yoga teacher, and I started on that journey. And then with that, there was a point where I realized I wanted to talk about more things and more in-depth than inhaling, lifting your arms, and exhaling fold over your legs.
[00:05:06] Erika: And so I started a podcast. I was based in yoga, and within that, I want to help people further in their own transformation from the incredible journey I had been on and the tools I felt I had. So then I went into coaching and I was, okay, I need more space and time to hold people's hand and really help them walk through this as well as I can. So now I'm juggling both at the same time where I'm teaching yoga. And I'm also doing coaching, particularly for highly sensitive women, which is also my case. So from my own experience, helping them move through what it means to be sensitive and how you can get out of stress and overwhelm because that's so common for sensitive people to instead just be calm and confident and that feeling of you are in control in your life. So now I do that and bring people on retreats because everything else is online. It's one of the reasons why I'm able to live in Costa Rica or travel the world. So I still want to see people in person and offer them immersive experiences. So then retreats are the best option for me to do that. So I think that's kind of the cliff notes of a lot of things. So we could start there, and then I'm sure you'll have follow-up questions.
[00:06:30] Aneta: I do. Well, first of all, I just want to applaud you for recognizing at a young age that you were unhappy where you were and having the courage to say I'm not going to wait another 40 years in the cold and wait till a certain age. Sometimes we do that to ourselves. So when you recognized that you needed to leave and you recognized yourself that you were burned out, just to maybe for some folks that don't even know what that feels like, or maybe they have some symptoms, but they haven't defined it for themselves, what did it feel to be burned out and how did you slowly start to heal yourself in that first year when you took time off?
[00:07:11] Erika: So for me, being burned out was I would go to work and I would come home and I would come home at four, 4:30 PM because as a teacher you start at seven, seven something is. You start really early and I would just collapse on the couch and I would binge TV and I would binge food and I would basically stay there until it was time to go to bed. But then, although I was exhausted, I couldn't really sleep. So there's this cycle of always being constantly tired and just this feeling of, I can't. Like, you're inviting me out. I can't, you want to do something? I can't. I just don't have the motivation. I don't have any interest. I don't have the bandwidth. I just don't want to. But it's also not, I'm taking care of myself. I'm not doing anything in that time to actually care for myself. I'm just completely collapsed in the way where, no thanks, it's like a no thanks to life. That's the state of burnout.
[00:08:13] Aneta: That's so true. And I really resonate with that description. I remember when I was burned out, I could barely make it Fridays. I would always say no to any plans on Friday night because I would be asleep by 6:37. There's barely any energy left, in addition to feeling that way each day. So what was the most helpful for you? If you could just walk us through that year, how you started to take better care of yourself when you identified whatever I was doing was not working, how did you say, okay, now what do I do? What were those baby steps that seemed to work?
[00:08:48] Erika: That's a funny question because it was no baby steps, actually. I did a full 180.
[00:08:54] Aneta: What did you do?
[00:08:56] Erika: So the thing is that there's a parallel. I was burned out, but I was chronically ill and chronically in pain as well. And I had been struggling with other less than useful coping mechanisms, let's say, to start. So when I decided I kind of hit rock bottom. And that moment of okay, everything needs to change. None of this is a working kind of thing. So not only did I take that leave of absence, so already I didn't have any, nine to five quote-unquote work to do. I went fully vegan, gluten-free, caffeine-free, alcohol-free, and sugar-free, I took my physical health into my own hands to deal with the pain that I was suffering from every single day. I incorporated a very different type of yoga practice. I was practicing hot power before that, really forcing my body to do what I thought I was supposed to do if I liked yoga, and moved into a lot more restorative yen and introduced meditation really for the first time in my life.
[00:10:08] Erika: Before my yoga practice was very physical and I shifted to a lot more quiet, inward, internal, peaceful kind of physical practice. And I also got out of the gym for a while cuz I was going to the gym and instead, I introduced just more walking, hiking. Going to lay down in the park in the sun, kind of very different connection to my physical body in that way as well. And all of that together I kind of focused on, because those were Intense changes. I focused on kind of sharing that with people and I started my first blog, back in the day when blogs were really a thing and they were new and fun and exciting. I started a blog of vegan recipes to force myself to eat well. And stay creative and stay inspired.
[00:11:10] Erika: photography had always been a hobby of mine, a passion of mine. So I was going to focus on the things I love. And one of them was photography and I want to take photos every day. So I'll take photos of everything I bake and I make, can I cook and I'll make it pretty? So I gave myself this project to also not be just at home and do nothing all day. I would get up in the morning and walk to the farmer's market. We had an everyday farmer's market where I lived, so I got to the farmer's market, picked up whatever I needed for that one day, walked back home, cooked, took photos, and then kind of just relaxed, did a little practice and that was my every day. So it was definitely not little baby changes. I think because I was really at that rock bottom and it needed to change.
[00:12:00] Aneta: That makes sense. And I completely understand what it's like to feel if you're in yoga, and if you're working in a very high intense environment. You also do the hot power yoga that's a lot of cortisols pumping through your body. It's actually, it is harmful when we are so burned out and stressed to do those types of workouts.
[00:12:20] Erika: And I was doing CrossFit. I was doing it all to just push to empty my battery even more, but I didn't know better. I was being told exercise is good and I was, okay then I'm just going to do as much as I can cuz I feel crap. It was not helpful.
[00:12:35] Aneta: No, it's not helpful. And so did you intuitively. As you were spending more time with yourself and connecting to your body, did you intuitively say, you know what, this doesn't feel right? Let me try the restorative, let me try the yin, or were there some outside influences that people that said, you should try this because this might be more supportive for you at this time?
[00:12:58] Erika: I think it was mostly intuitive. I don't really remember, I mean, we're talking 10 years ago. I don't quite remember anyone particularly pointing out those would be better options for you. I think it was just whatever I'm doing now is not working. What else is out there? And going as a trial and error a bit more and luckily kind of picking up the right things.
[00:13:20] Aneta: For sure. And it's interesting, so you started to practice and then you decided that how can I take this love of teaching, which doesn't necessarily need to be in the classroom, and move it into a yoga initially as part of the business and you started incorporating some other things. So from the time that you left the sabbatical or the one year off, and you started doing some of these other things, what does that timeline look for you? Because I think some people struggle when they make a change, a career change, they feel they have to pick one thing and even folks will say, just focus on one, but you are multi-passionate as I am, and you do so many different things. So what did that look like? Did it unfold naturally for you or did you have this multi-year plan and you are just slowly starting to implement it?
[00:14:09] Erika: No, I didn't really plan ahead of this is my five-year, 10-year plan. I was still living very much so in the day-to-day and how can I get out of this survival mode? So it actually took me a year and a half before I went to teacher training. So I rested for a year and a half and then I started teacher training I felt really resourced at that point and really excited and motivated and I started to teach even before finishing my first teacher training, I got my first teaching job. So from there, I started with just a class here and there, two classes, three classes, and I build my roster of classes kind of over time and I would say maybe six months within teaching yoga. Then I started the podcast.
[00:14:57] Erika: And the podcast, which now is four episodes a month. I started with one episode a month because that's all the energy I had and the bandwidth I had, and I wanted to commit to something and I wanted to explore. That was pretty new and fresh, just like the blog was, a few years earlier than that. And I was, this is a new way of sharing and teaching and doing things. That's exciting, but I really don't have the energy to pop four episodes a month right now. So I started with one to kind of test the water and see if I actually enjoyed it. And then I went to two and then I went to three, and then I went to four over the span of a couple years.
[00:15:36] Erika: So that also came in kind of slowly. Every time I was getting into the routine and things were feeling comfortable and at ease fold, I was adding a little extra new nugget of something. As much as I like being a teacher, I also like being a student. And growth and learning has been core value for me and something I truly enjoy.
[00:15:58] Erika: So as soon as I get comfortable, hey, what's next? What else can I learn? What else can I do? And so I would say after that, maybe five years into teaching yoga, I went into coaching. I felt really comfortable in my yoga career. I was teaching quite a bit. I was hosting workshops, I was hosting smaller retreats at that point, weekend retreats, and things like that. And I was ready for more. And so I also experienced coaching as a student first and I loved it. And I was, wow, there's something here really special cuz I had done years of therapy, but this felt more aligned with me than therapy had been. So that's kind of how I went there.
[00:16:51] Aneta: And your podcast is called On and Off Your Mat, which is fantastic and it's been five years, is that about five years?
[00:16:58] Erika: Five years now, the podcast.
[00:17:01] Aneta: And, I love your podcast. I love the topics, I love everything that you share. It's great. And so my question to you is what are some of the biggest lessons that you've learned from hosting your podcast?
[00:17:14] Erika: That's interesting that I don't have to be perfect. And there's some beauty in the impromptu, and in the flow of life, and in the surprises. That's a big one because I came to it very like I'm naturally a perfectionistic person, so, It's really given me permission to be in the moment. I was already able to do that in other places, but in the beginning, that felt almost like a performance and I had to perform, I had to deliver something, and I felt pressured. And over time I learned to just be and to give space to the guest and eventually to take on solo episodes with that also took a while for me to do. And I realize in the timeline there, when you say the podcast has been five years, I've been teaching yoga for eight now. So it actually took three years and not six months before I started the podcast. So I'm kind of re-seeing that timeline, but I think that would be the biggest lesson that I did learn. And then also, just I was saying that I started with a little bit at the time and I added more in that sense too. It doesn't have to look one particular way and you don't have to do it like everybody else. I'm making choices that feel more in line with myself. I'm not using ads or there are things that people tell me all the time, yeah, but you could make so much money. I'm like, yeah, but that doesn't feel good. So trust your own self and your own choices and those are all things that I've learned through podcasting.
[00:18:56] Aneta: I love that you recognize that, I think that the listeners can hear when something is scripted or when it's forced or when it's like a performance, you said, versus a very natural conversation that they just happen to be given permission to listen in on, which is very cool. And for those, you've used the word aligned a couple of times, so what does the definition of align mean, like what is it for you or what does it feel when you are in alignment or out of alignment?
[00:19:27] Erika: So out of alignment feels difficult, feels there are roadblocks, things are just not working out the way you're trying, it's like that forced energy when it's out of alignment, you're trying to put that round, peg into the square hole and it's just not going in alignment is the opposite, is like, It's the right timing, it's the right people, it's the right intention, and things just kind of fall into place on their own. And there's a natural ease and flow. And it's not to say that it has to be effortless all the time, that's not what I'm saying. I think things can be challenging because there's a learning curve, but if you are aligned, there's still that sense of it's right for you no matter what everybody else tells you, if it feels right for you, for me, it's aligned with your values, your desires, and your needs.
[00:20:30] So I think the first thing to know is if you are aligned or this something is aligned, does it match what you want, what you need, what you hope for? And this is where the journey might be difficult, but if you know that you're going towards something that is really right for you, no matter the steps on the journey, there's still going to feel somewhat useful. Does that make sense? Oh yeah, not, makes sense. Fully black or white. Okay.
[00:21:00] Aneta: No, and that's why I ask what it feels sometimes it's easier to say what it doesn't feel like, in my experience, has been very much like yours. It's forced, it's exhausting. It doesn't feel good. And even when someone else may be in a position of power or in a position of authority says, you should do this, or have you considered that?
[00:21:20] Aneta: And, it just doesn't feel right, when I was talking to a publisher before I published my book, she said, don't do a daily meditation. That should be a free thing you give on your website and you need to write a business chapter book, a self-help book. And I sat on that for six months and it was something I couldn't swallow, it just didn't feel right. And then in the end I said no, and it's the greatest joy. When someone says you. I look forward to reading it every day. I love that it's digestible and it's just in bite-size pieces, so I love that you said we don't have to always listen to what others tell us to do. We don't always have to do the conventional thing or the way everyone else does it because if it doesn't feel right or it's not in alignment, It's probably not going to give you the results that you're looking for anyway. It just never does.
[00:22:08] Erika: Exactly. I think from a body perspective, what feels in alignment? You feel open, you feel motivated, you feel excited. When it's not in alignment, it feels there's dread, you're Ugh, I don't really want to do that. I'll do it because I've been told to. But the energy is very different and I think in the flow of creativity that doesn't quite transfer if you're coming at it with dread Can I just check this off my list? People can feel that, and it's not going to be as successful. Whatever you are trying to do, it's not going to be as successful as if you're coming at it with true excitement and passion. And no matter if it's difficult, you're still I'm going to figure this out. It's a very different energy and I'm here for it.
[00:22:50] Aneta: Yeah, exactly. So what are some of the things, either the practices or the exercises that you do on a regular basis that kind of keep you in alignment?
[00:23:01] Erika: Because I have a background of eating disorder growing up, and I struggle with chronic pain, which I used pain meds for and eventually addiction. Everything in my life was really encouraging me to numb and dissociate and detach. So what's been really important for me to not only hear that openness, excitement, and desire to stay aware of one of my values, my desires but what's really important it's any practice that helps me connect. Even as simple as feeling my body, feeling grounded, feeling present, feeling mindful, feeling I'm able to truly listen, and then that kind of ripples, I can connect to others, I can trust even further, I can surrender. For me, it all starts with can I be with myself and not try to pull myself out of my own experience? So this is the base of every practice I do and a lot of what I teach too.
[00:24:12] Aneta: I agree with you completely. And I want to go back to this notion of, you mentioned that you are sensitive and you work with sensitive clients as well. Do you find that for people who are sensitive, it is more difficult or maybe even painful sometimes to sit with yourself and feel everything that you're feeling?
[00:24:36] Erika: A hundred percent and that's why a lot of us use coping mechanisms to numb. That's a very common strategy because just the act of feeling is overwhelming on your system because you're highly sensitive, your nervous system to start with, is more sensitive to the input you receive, whether it's from your senses, or it could be from your interception, pain, hunger, thirst. These things that are not necessarily from your eyes, from your ears, and all of that. But not only are you receiving this more intensely, but your nervous system also reacts more strongly and more quickly than other people, and so it is going to cross that threshold too much quicker. So feeling the sensation of anger, the sensation of deep sorrow, the sensations of anxiety, I'm sure you can understand that can push you over the edge and you feel this is just too much. And so being sensitive kind of puts you at, I don't want to say risk, but in a position where yes, feeling and staying connected could be more difficult for people that are not very sensitive.
[00:25:49] Aneta: Yeah. When did you recognize that you were a sensitive person?
[00:25:56] Erika: Oh, I mean, I didn't know that the term H S P existed for a very long time, highly sensitive person, but I was called too sensitive from childhood. My whole life, I was told to relax. It's not that big of a deal kind of thing. And so growing up I felt very much my emotions were too much and so I was too much. But at the same time, because I was unable to be like anyone else and in control and poised and all these things, I felt none enough. So it was this weird in between, I am too much and I am not enough at the same. And that started really, really young. And then very particular things, I remember being a young, young teenager and probably before as a child, but I don't have very many memories of very young of something as simple as my parents watching TV and feeling the commercials are yelling at me, like feeling it's so aggressive.
[00:27:04] Erika: And I was, what is happening? Why is this so intense? Why is this so loud? And asking my parents, can you mute the commercial? And then being like, why? Totally oblivion to the idea that this could be too much for me because it wasn't for them at all. It was totally fine. And I didn't have the awareness to explain it, so I would come up with, well, we don't care about this commercial. It's not we're going to buy this, or, we've seen this before already three times today. Or, I was making excuses to talk at a mental intellectual level too, I don't want this, this doesn't feel good in my body, but I didn't have the words. really To advocate for me in that sense. So that is probably the youngest really precise thing or precise example of sensitivity I can remember is the tv.
[00:27:53] Erika: And then as soon as I would watch TV alone, I would mute the commercial. And then when Netflix came on, I noticed and I had friends over and they were, why are you watching with subtitles? Just questioning out of curiosity. I'm like because I don't want the volume to be really loud, because when the guns or the explosion or the orchestral music comes in, it's too much, but then the voice is too low. So I need the subtitles to keep track of the story and feel comfortable with the intensity of the sounds. So that kind of simple-ish example.
[00:28:26] Aneta: I appreciate you sharing that because there are probably others, either young adults or even adults who maybe feel what you're saying resonates with them, but they've never put a word to it or a term, and maybe they're struggling with what's wrong with me? Our oldest daughter, I remember when she was young, I noticed that she was very sensitive to sounds and smells and to like in school if there was too much going on in the classroom. She was highly distracted and it was very overstimulating to her nervous system. And I remember reading a book on how to raise a highly sensitive child. So that's the first time I heard of it. And it's interesting because. Those things are true, but she also then is very empathetic and creative. And so tell me some of the gifts that come for you with being highly sensitive.
[00:29:15] Erika: Well, those are two very strong ones for most sensitive people. We are very creative because naturally we are really moved by the beauty of the world, by art, and by nature. But because we're affected by the negative intensity of things, we're also affected by the positive, beautiful intensity of things. So we have this creative connection. Just beauty. And that brings this childlike in our personality and I think that's a really nice thing to have.
[00:29:50] Erika: And then the empathy is a very big one because we can really pick up other people's energy and that could be good or bad. We can kind of take it on. It kind of bleeds on us a little bit, but also it makes us really good listeners. It makes us really good to hold space for people we feel comfortable with other people's emotions because chances are they're less ten than our own. So we're good at listening, taking care of others, so we're really good in professions like coaching, psychotherapy, these kinds of jobs or any art-based creative job. Those will be places where we'll thrive. Then from there, If you've kind of taken advantage of Covid and it felt good to you to be at home and all of a sudden to work from home, that's a sign that you were sensitive and that positive aspect is, you are good, you're good on your own. You're not getting depressed, and it doesn't mean that you're a hundred percent an introvert, 30% of highly sensitive people are actually extroverts. But although you maybe you missed your friends and stuff, it was calming and nurturing for you to have that time away from people. So that allows you then to do things that other people might be less comfortable with because you need a long time.
[00:31:11] Erika: And for me, an example of that is spirituality is those practices of meditation, of connection, of chanting. Those are all practices that I go in with enthusiasm where other people might think, meditation is this dreadful, difficult thing because it's boring and it's quiet and I'm, no, it's a sigh for my whole system. It's like this. Yeah. Ah, moment. Yeah. So those are examples of positive things that can come out of it. And I mean there's more, but I think if you remember that you don't have to fight your sensitivity, this is where you're going to find that superpower in it. And so for me, one of the superpowers that has come through is really that somatic connection within my body. Just as I was saying before, the first step to everything I do now is connecting. Well, to be able to do that is allowing me to connect to others better, that's one. But two, connecting to my inner wisdom and to the knowledge and to the intuition and the gut, and my yeses and my nos, and people will point that out as a superpower. How are you so clear on what is right for you? What is the line for you as we talked about? And it's from that habit of instead of numbing, the habit of listening and opening to and embracing that sensitivity as this incredible power of listening. And so staying connected that way has really been probably the biggest positive impact of my sensitivity in the sense of, I can make decisions pretty easily, even if they make no sense on paper. I'm, it's good. I know this is going to be okay. And people are, wait, what? You're going to move across the world? Why? What's there? I don't know, but I know it's going to be good, but I don't know anybody. No, I don't have a very precise plan. No, but I trust that it feels a yes, and it feels expensive and it feels exciting, and I know that and I'm going for it. I've made a lot of big decisions and big changes where people are, how are you willing and not panicking into what-if scenarios? I don't need to. So that's a really big positive aspect of sensitivity.
[00:33:50] Aneta: Yes it is. And I can just imagine that when you are able to tap into that and you are able to make some of these decisions that don't, Intellectually make sense for other people that it's easy for others to project their fears onto us. I found that with my experience. Do you find that you are better able to redirect people or to notice when they are trying to project their fears? Sometimes unwillingly. It's just this is a natural response.
[00:34:21] Erika: I think I had to learn to set boundaries because that's not natural. That was not natural for me, and I don't think it's natural for most sensitive people. And also just watching how I think about the situation and come at it from, I know they're afraid. And so, What they're saying means nothing about me and means nothing about the quality of my choice and means nothing about the possible outcome of it. What they're saying about themselves is about their own fear, about their own lack of connection about their own potential lack of courage, of self-confidence, and what they're saying has basically nothing to do with me.
[00:35:20] Erika: So that's the first reminder that I will use in these conversations when someone's, but what are you thinking? This makes no sense. This is impossible. This is a mistake. You're going to come back home, blah, blah, blah. These kinds of conversations. So that's the first step. And then the second step, if it gets to a point where I feel my nervous system is struggling with their opinion then I will voice my need for them to trust that I know what I'm doing and I know what's right for me. Or to just give me that space to make a mistake. It's one of the other, it's like, can you please give me the space to experience life and make a mistake and learn from it, and can you please trust that I'm doing my best? And the outcome will be what the outcome will be. And people don't like that boundary. And it's not a very, don't talk to me. I don't want to hear it. It's just, please, can you, I would appreciate it. And if they can't, then the boundary gets a little stronger and it's, this is not a subject we're going to talk about together.
[00:36:32] Aneta: I love that you brought up, boundary setting because it is something I find. That's been difficult for me my entire life. So I still work at it, especially with those sometimes that are closest to us including family. But I see it in my clients as well. And I wish that we taught these types of skills in school for kids just to be able to use their words to identify what they need, the space they might need, the way they're feeling in a way that is very, productive and a way that is very safe for everyone. I just think it would be so helpful as adults when we practice because it is a practice to be able to choose. How to set boundaries for yourself and use the language that feels comfortable because I've had to play around with a couple of different things. But even the most basic I remember for my kids when they were young, I taught them if they were at someone's house and someone was trying to push food on them that they didn't want to eat, I just always said just say thank you so much but, this isn't for me or I'd prefer not to have that today or I'm choosing not to try that in language that felt comfortable in overtime was easier to practice. So, do you have a favorite boundary setting, phrase, or something that you use when you need to get, ask people to kind of respect, or trust your own decisions?
[00:37:57] Erika: So the way I go about it because the official technical way of setting boundaries felt too harsh for me in the beginning. It felt too, I'm putting up a wall. I didn't want boundaries to be that. I start very similarly that the way you explained it about your children, I start by voicing what I need, what I want. And I ask if the person can be there for that.
[00:38:22] Erika: And so in a case, let's take an example where I have a really bad day and I need to vent and I need to just hear myself out and I need to think out loud and I need to share my frustration with someone. I might call a friend, but what I don't need is the solution. I don't want solutions right now. But I'm not going to be in the middle of the conversation and then tell my friend, I don't want solutions, I didn't ask. So I'm going to come to the comment and say, I need to vent and talk it out, but I am not yet in solution mode. Are you available to chat with me? And then the person kind of knows what you're hoping for in this discussion. And you have set really soft boundaries in the sense of, I'm telling you, I don't want you to fix it. I'm telling you, I don't want you to make brainstorm solutions or ideas. I want to feel what I'm feeling with you. I want you to hold space for me to be sad, for me to be angry, for me to be disappointed.
[00:39:28] Erika: Then I might call back and be, hey I'm ready for solutions. Can we brainstorm? So that's the soft boundary of, this is what I need. Are you available for this? Over time, the people around you, they really learn that they can say yes or they can say no, and they're, I can't wait. I have such good ideas for you. Call me when you're ready for solutions, you know, instead. So that's the way I start. What do I want, need, or desire, can you be there for me? If after I voiced that and they've agreed to that, they're still kind of pushing what I did not want, then I will kind of pause. And either do a reminder like, thank you so much for this, but can we put a pin in that for now? That kind of thing. If it's still continuing, then the harsher boundary comes and the formula that I use is if you do X, I will do Y, and not in a threatening way in the most loving way possible. Like, hey friend those are great solutions, but right now I'm not available for this. If you continue to give me solutions, I'd prefer if we get off the call, for now, I need a bit more time and we reconvene later. So if you X, I Y, but not in a way of, if you keep talking, I will hang up the. There's kind of a way that feels good, but that's the formula that I feel is very clear for people to hear. And there's no going around and trying to walk on eggshells. It's just if the behavior continues, I will make a choice and this is the choice I will make. I'm just letting you know because sometimes you have to be, there's a line in the sand and you can't cross that line.
[00:41:22] Aneta: And I love that you shared that, and when you do that, you're modeling for others how to do the same thing and giving them permission to do it, which I think is very powerful for all of us to learn those skills. So I want to hear more about your retreats because I'm very intrigued. During Costa Rica, you've talked about the coaching, the yoga, the podcast, breath work, meditation, and all these modalities that you're facilitating as well. As a practitioner, tell me what you do on your retreats. How long are they, and what are some of the things that people can expect?
[00:41:58] Erika: We do all the things. That's kind of the beauty of it, is that I bring every part of what I teach in that experience of in-person intensive seven days, usually a week long. What we'll do is a mix of physical movement, so we'll start in the morning with a meditation little breath yoga practice, that's going to be a little bit more on the fiery side of the spectrum without being anything of a power. I teach a kind of slow flow, but to wake people up and energize them. Then in the morning, we'll have a session together kind of mid-morning that will be a bit more coaching based. So depending on, I could have a theme or something like that, but we will usually start with. The things that I can't really do in the yoga class. That is not through the body that you need to mentally understand. You need to journal about it, you need to kind of talk it out with someone. So I might bring in how to work a thought protocol. How to manage your thoughts, and how to control what's happening in your brain. We might have a session on that.
[00:43:11] Erika: We might have a session on how does the nervous system work? So then when you come into class, you're, oh, she's doing that and this is why, and this is why I feel this way. And those sessions are usually, I mean, not nothing is mandatory, but those sessions are. Less mandatory, let's say. Because if people just want the physical side of it and they don't want to understand all the things behind and they don't really want to go in certain areas, then they can skip that. But I plan everything together to support every part we do. So every style of learning also gets what they need.
[00:43:46] Erika: And you also get just different perspectives on the same thing. So a morning practice, then a kind of group coaching practice. Then you'll have a few hours to rest. Usually, we're on the beach or somewhere in the mountain. We're definitely in nature. I think nature is very, very important and nurturing and rejuvenating. So I always want nature there. So maybe you go and you swim, or you sleep in the hammock, or you go on a hike. They'll have a few hours to themselves. And then we'll have an end of day's practice, depending on what we've been doing. It's going to be more yin, restorative, or based on self-massage. I teach a lot of self-massage.
[00:44:31] Erika: I went to massage school as well as Yoga teacher training, not because I wanted to be a massage therapist, I kind of had this fascination about the body and I wanted to learn more and understand more how it works. And. I had this fascination with the nervous system and I felt touch was a very important tool that I could teach people. And so I'll teach a lot of self-massage as well. And then kind of nervous system-based practices will also be what we'll do in the afternoon. So that would be a typical day. Then we would go to dinner. Then they would have free time, and then throughout the week we'll have one day of activity to go do something adventure-based. so if we're in Costa Rica we might go to a waterfall. But then I also bring in other healing modalities. last time we did, we were in Mexico and I asked two different shamans to come on two different days.
[00:45:28] Erika: And one we did a cacao ceremony. From beginning to end, from peeling the cacao to them making the cacao blessing and then doing that circle. And then another day we went to the house of a shaman somewhere in the jungle of Mexico to do a Tabasco, so to do a sweat lodge ceremony with them. And so I always bring the modalities that are a little bit outside of the quote-unquote box that we might have just within yoga or coaching that have also been really healing for me. I've been on the journey of exploring shamanic rituals and not to a point where this is something I teach because I don't feel at this moment anyway. It's part of what I should be teaching if it doesn't feel in alignment. But I have encountered so much growth and extraordinary shifts from that, that I also want to share it with people. So that will also usually be part of the retreat, kind of supporting the tradition of this land and the healing that this land and the tribes that were Their wisdom, their knowledge, and what they can contribute to the healing of the world. So that would be kind of, that's amazing. All of it.
[00:46:52] Aneta: Amazing. And when's your next retreat?
[00:46:55] Erika: Next retreat is in the spring of 2024, so a year from now.
[00:47:00] Aneta: Okay, we'll, definitely love to, I'm interested, so I will keep in touch with you about that for sure. I could talk to you for hours and hours. I just appreciate you and so I do have a final question for you, which is what is your definition of living the width of your life?
[00:47:21] Erika: Yeah. We've talked about this already a little bit on my own podcast. I don't quite remember what I said at that moment, but for me, it would be the full spectrum of everything, which means, and that might sound not good, but it means good and bad because I have really learned. In that journey of not numbing myself anymore, that when you numb the bad, you also numb the good and the spectrum of life and of the experiences you can have and the emotions you can experience.
[00:48:04] Erika: It has to balance on both sides for you to know that you have access to it. And I'm not saying you need to suffer greatly to no great joy, but you need to be available and able to deal with it so you can have extreme on the other side as well. And so I see it kind of as a pendulum where it would be like the width. And the wider that pendulum is, I think the more full your experience of life will be. And I also think that gives me hope and understanding in moments of darkness and in moments of challenges and in moments of deep suffering, I know that I'm building my capacity for even deeper joy and even deeper love, and even deeper connection and peace and all of those things that are on the other side of the spectrum.
[00:49:05] Erika: So that helps me kind of stay with it and not want to numb it. So that would be maybe a new way to think about it because I know that's a question you ask a lot, and I don't want to just be repeating what people are saying, but that's how I would see the width of it is the potential that exists, the limitlessness that exists. If you give permission to all and you don't want to cherry-pick only the good things.
[00:49:37] Aneta: Beautiful. Yeah. Every person on the show has given a different response because it means something different to each of us, which is the difference between what society tells us successful life is and what we define as a well-lived life. So, Thank you for that. And I want to thank you for all of the amazing work that you are doing in this world. You're really a light worker and I love that you have taken every experience, as you said, the good and the bad in your own life and on your own journey, and you are using it for good to help others, so thank you for that. How can we best support you and where can we?
[00:50:14] Erika: So if people want to find me, they can come to my website, which is erikabelanger.com. They have a lot of stuff there. There's free practice, there's a quiz to know how sensitive they are on that sensitivity kind of spectrum, and they'll get tools from that quiz.
[00:50:30] Erika: And then on social, I am mostly on Instagram. Exclusively on Instagram, if I'm being honest. But I'm there every day so they can come and say hi in DMS and see what else is available. Right now we are in the middle of a group coaching program. We'll have another one in a few months. I don't have the exact date yet, but if they're interested in that or one-on-one coaching, then they can also reach out definitely if they see themselves in the description of that sensitivity and how it could be, if they're aching for support through that to find their superpower and find the beauty in all of this. I would love to kind of walk them through this path and yoga classes are available groups on Zoom live weekly, and then also one-on-one, and then I have a membership that they can just practice on the men whenever they want, wherever they want.
[00:51:27] Erika: So there are so many options for people to connect and to work with me depending on how much, time, money, and energy they are available for and have to invest. And then the retreats of course, which is kind of the peak of the mountain of everything that leads to that. So thank you so much for making space for me to share everything and yeah, to connect with you. That's so lovely.
[00:51:56] Aneta: Oh, it was my pleasure. I'm so grateful for our time together and, I will include all of those details in the show notes. You do have everything on your website, which is beautiful. I love all your videos on Instagram, so I applaud you for showing up every day and being authentically yourself, which is not always easy, so thank you for that.
[00:52:16] Erika: Thank you.
[00:52:17] Aneta: And continued success and many blessings to you, Erika.
[00:52:21] Erika: Thank you. You too.
[00:52:23] Aneta: Thank you for listening to today's episode. If today's conversation inspired you to dream again, break out of your comfort zones, or reflect on what it means to you to live more fully, then please follow this podcast because you'll hear more stories from people just like you, who took imperfect action towards their goals, creating more joy, and are living the life that they always dreamt of living.
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