Episode 38 transcript: How to live your best YES filled life with Brenda Winkle

Podcast Introduction:

[00:00:00] Brenda: We become people pleasers for lots of different reasons. Maybe you're sensitive, maybe you're intuitive. Maybe you had trauma as a child, maybe you had chaos in the home. There are a ton of reasons why people become, people pleasers.

[00:00:12] Aneta: We often hear people wishing us a long, happy, and healthy life. But what if the link isn't what matters most? What if instead, it's the breath, depth, and purpose of each day that matters most? Welcome to the Live The Width of Your Life podcast. My name is Aneta Ardelian Kuzma, and join me weekly as I interview guests who made changes in their own lives to live more fully with intention, gratitude, and joy. Be prepared to be inspired by their stories of how they shifted their mindset, took courageous action, and designed the life that they always wanted to live.

[00:00:47] Aneta: Welcome back. Thank you for joining me today. Today's guest is Brenda Winkle. Brenda is an educator, speaker, and healer who helps sensitive and successful men and women find, reclaim and live from their full embodied, yes. Through empowering her clients to understand their energetic hygiene, establish healthy boundaries, and heal their nervous systems, they're able to create their yes-filled lives and move through their days with more freedom ease, and joy.

[00:01:15] Aneta: She's also the host and creator of the Your Yes Filled Life Podcast, a globally rated podcast in the top 5% of all podcasts. And her mission is to help people feel better. She says you have something special that the world needs the best way to heal the world is to help one person at a time find their purpose, their passion, and peace. Healed people, healed people.

[00:01:40] Aneta: Brenda is also a certified trauma-informed breath work facilitator and energy healer and empath, a highly sensitive person and intuitive, and she was a music educator for 26 years before she started her business. We covered so many topics today that I think you're really going to enjoy, and I hope that you take the time to listen to today's episode if you enjoy it, if there is something that really resonated with you, please like rate it and share it with others. Take a listen.

Podcast Interview:

[00:02:11] Aneta: Brenda, thank you so much for joining me today. I'm so excited to have you here with me.

[00:02:16] Brenda: Thank you for inviting me, Aneta. I am thrilled to be here. I can't wait for this conversation.

[00:02:21] Aneta: Me too. And so, for those that don't know you or maybe don't know a lot about your journey, what would you like to share with the audience about your journey and who you are?

[00:02:32] Brenda: As a small child I was very able to read the room. And I was able to pick up on the emotional states of all of the people in the room and to be able to not only sense and see what they were feeling, but to be able to feel it in my own system, and that manifested in me trying to make other people feel better because it made me feel better. And so I viewed this as kind of my superpower, not realizing that what I was actually doing was people-pleasing. And as I grew insensitivity and I started to grow in intuition, it kind of freaked people out.

[00:03:17] Brenda: And so I shut the intuition part down and supercharged the people-pleasing part because that was the acceptable part. And it was actually easier and simpler for me to feel other people's emotions than it was for me to feel or deal with my own. And so what that meant was I found myself in some toxic relationships as I grew up toxic friendships, toxic, romantic relationships, and it was because of my ability to feel and sense what they needed, and then I was able to feel like I was doing something really important and helpful. And so I liked it. I actually had a payoff for doing those things because it felt better in my system. And then when I was in my twenties, I started to realize that it was coming at a really steep price and that I was outsourcing my own happiness. In order to make other people feel better, but I didn't know what to do with it.

[00:04:17] Brenda: I just kind of sat with it and continued to try and figure it out. I became a teacher, became a music teacher, and I taught at all levels. My passion was choral music. I was a choir director for many years. And then when I left a toxic unhealthy marriage in 2007, I realized that I needed to heal.

[00:04:39] Brenda: I needed to figure out a different way to exist, a different way to be sensitive and not take on everybody else's stuff. And so I went on a long healing journey that started with yoga and ended up with me becoming an energy healer because I was experiencing so much healing from the energy healing I was experiencing as a client that I was like, I have to give this to other people. And I was still teaching at that time. And so I was working very part-time as an energy healer, coach, guide, and supporter, and still trying to really figure out what my role was. And then I realized that my sensitivity was actually my superpower.

[00:05:28] Brenda: If I could create energetic hygiene. In other words, if I could find a way to keep what was mine, mine, and what was yours, yours. And not allow me to merge into other people, then I could still maintain my sensitivity, my awareness of how other people were experiencing the world and what they were feeling. And then I also had time, space, and bandwidth to deal with and feel my own emotions. And that's when my life really began to change in wonderful ways.

[00:06:04] Aneta: What an amazing journey. And I love that you started at childhood and that you gave us sort of this broad view of how you got to where you are today. But I do want to go back a little bit to your childhood. So when you said that at a young age, you noticed that maybe you were intuitive and you were sensitive and you could pick up on people's feelings. How old were you and what did that look like? In a practical sense, what did it actually look like for you when you noticed maybe what you experiencing might have been different than what other people were experiencing?

[00:06:35] Brenda: Well, I don't remember not being sensitive or intuitive. I don't have a recollection of the first time that something came in. It was just always how I showed up in the world. But one way that I began to know very early on that I was different from other people was when I would have a knowing of how people were feeling that they hadn't articulated and it kind of freaked them out a little bit.

[00:07:03] Aneta: How did that freak them out?

[00:07:05] Brenda: It would be, for example, if I would say to a teacher, I can tell you didn't have sleep last night, and I know that you might have had a fight at home. It was really disarming and freaked them out. And as a small child, I didn't understand why she was scared. I didn't understand, number one, that I had crossed a boundary and I was saying things that I didn't really have a right to say because I just didn't have the maturity to know. And number two, I began to shut down that kind of stuff because I recognized it was unwelcome.

[00:07:40] Aneta: Interesting. So then you said you shifted to the people pleasing, so you're able to still leverage the intuition, the feeling. But instead of engaging in dialogue about it in a way that maybe. Instinctively you wanted to, you then said, I kind of feel what they need. How can I help them feel better? How did the peaceful pleasing first start off?

[00:08:03] Brenda: well, it started in really subtle ways, and at first it was confusing even to me. So I would find myself saying things that I knew I didn't think or feel or believe, but I could see the reaction in the person I was speaking to was very positive and that I'd hit a mark. And so it started in that way in really subtle ways. I started mostly with adults at my teachers, my parents, and the people that I knew from my community.

[00:08:33] Brenda: And I could see that what I was saying was hitting the mark, that it was indeed making them feel better. So at that point, it was still coming from a place of generosity, even though it may not have been totally healthy for me, but it morphed in my teenage years to sort of use that sensitivity and that inner knowing as a way to create social connection. As a way to fit in, and that's when it took a turn for not being so healthy.

[00:09:10] Aneta: That's so interesting. And were you able to leverage your intuition though for yourself? Did you know that while you were doing this and you were getting a positive response from the people within your circle, did you know, wait a second, this isn't right, this isn't necessarily serving me? Or did you just shove that down?

[00:09:31] Brenda: Both. I remember this is such a random example, but I was a waitress and I loved waiting tables. I started when I was 16 and I waited tables until maybe my junior year of college when I started teaching private piano and that kind of thing. But in my waitressing, I could make my customers smile. I can make them feel better no matter what was happening. And so that felt like it was such a privilege to be able to do that and I remember one conversation with a mom whose son I knew from high school, and the mom was distraught, and somehow I knew exactly what to say, to help her feel better.

[00:10:12] Brenda: And I remember thinking to myself at the time, I was sitting at the table with her, which was kind of unusual for the waitress to sit down with the person eating their meal and we're having this conversation. And I remember thinking this is so strange because I don't think or believe anything that's coming out of my mouth right now. And so I had this really big cognitive dissonance and I was wondering, am I lying? Like, is this dishonest right now? Where is this coming from? And so it really took a lot of discernment over the years to realize that it's not lying, it's meeting their needs, even though it may not be my truth.

[00:10:52] Brenda: And so as I've gotten better at distinguishing my feelings, my thoughts, my beliefs from somebody else's beliefs, now I'm able to articulate. I can tell that you need to hear this instead of it coming from me so that I feel like I'm integrity with what my beliefs might be.

[00:11:11] Aneta: That's such an interesting distinction and I think so many people are people pleasers. I know that it's something that I've been working on my entire life as well. And these behaviors, they start when we're young and like you said We're young, we don't know. Those are formative years. And when people are helping to reinforce the behavior, especially adults, you can see why it suddenly becomes part of our identity. Did you struggle to start to peel this back and start to let go of the people pleasing? Like was it challenging when you decided that you were going to shift a little bit and your perspective around that?

[00:11:50] Brenda: It was, it was very challenging. It's so habituated that as people pleasers and we become people pleasers for lots of different reasons. Maybe you're sensitive, maybe you're intuitive. Maybe you had trauma as a child, maybe you had chaos in the home. There are a ton of reasons why people become, people pleasers. But as I began to peel back the layers, number one, it was such a habit. That I had to really break the habit of pleasing other people before I took care of myself.

[00:12:22] Brenda: And then I also had to go back into all of my relationships and be really transparent and say, I'm working on this. You're going to see some changes, and I want you to know I'm going to be a little bit clumsy at this. I'm not going to get it right. I'm not going to be articulate every time I'm going to screw it up. I'm probably going to make you mad, and I don't mean to, I'm just working through this people-pleasing part right now.

[00:12:50] Aneta: Did you lose any relationships? I know that you said you chose to end a toxic relationship, but did you lose any other relationships because you started changing and maybe setting some boundaries, some healthy boundaries that you needed for yourself?

[00:13:05] Brenda: Now that you asked that question, the answer is yes. At the time it didn't feel I was losing them as much as we just were kind of vibrating away from each other. It wasn't a sudden break. And it wasn't anything that was we're not going to be friends anymore. We're breaking up. It wasn't like that. It was just sort of like it doesn't feel aligned for me to go to this event. And then, we just began to decline each other's invitations and just kind of grew apart naturally as that people-pleasing began to change and shift for me.

[00:13:42] Aneta: Isn't that amazing? And when that happens, what did you make room for? Talk a little bit about how then things started to evolve into the space where you were more interested in healing for yourself and also with others.

[00:13:58] Brenda: Well, that is what it evolved to. Is healing. And it was in the healing, in the energy work that I was doing, that I realized that this intuition that I had and this inner knowing and this sensitivity was what made me a really good healer. Because I can see somebody sitting across from me, whether it's on Zoom or in the room, and have a really clear understanding of what is going to help and also what blocks there might be. So as I begin to not only embrace my own gifts but understand them. I became less embarrassed of them because the truth is I was a little embarrassed because I kept thinking, how is it that other people don't think this way?

[00:14:45] Brenda: How is it that other people don't feel what I'm feeling or sense what I'm sensing? Is there something wrong with me or is it just that they're not talking about it? And what I found was they weren't talking about it because they didn't have it, but when I found a community of people who also were intuitive and empathic and sensitive, I realized, oh, this is a gift.

[00:15:09] Aneta: Yeah. I love everything that you stated about that and also your face for those that are just listening and not watching Brenda's whole face just lit up. You literally are just glowing when you were talking about that because it's so expansive. So tell me about the communities that you were a part of. How did you find other people who also had the same gifts and then what has that done in terms of your own personal continued evolution in this space?

[00:15:41] Brenda: Well, I found my first connection in a yoga class. And I loved yoga and I was noticing that in a certain school assignment, I was having a hard time getting to the studio. So I asked the studio owner if she might be able to come into our school and teach yoga. And she said that she couldn't, but she loved to introduce me to someone who could. So I met my friend Rachel McGrath. And Rachel is a yoga teacher and now a wellness coach, she's just incredible. But at Rachel's class, we were talking about needing a massage, and one of the teachers I'd worked with that I didn't know very well, said, I know someone who could give you a massage she's great.

[00:16:22] Brenda: And she brought me this card, and on the top of the card, it said Reiki. And I said, interesting. I've heard of Reiki, but I don't really know what it is. And she said, well, I'm a reiki master. Why don't you come in for a session, my treat? And that was it. And so as soon as I experienced Reiki for the first time, and then met my friend, now mentor, and she's just incredible.

[00:16:47] Brenda: Her name's Kathy Kearns. She was the one who trained me in many modalities, and she had a community built of healers because she felt very similar to me in that we needed to build this community for others. Sensitives and healers and intuitive. So that we could grow our gifts to be able to give back. And through that, I began the experience of being mirrored in my gifts. And what I mean by that is looking at somebody, who has similar gifts to me that can see my gifts as a gift, not as a liability. And when we can find people in our lives that can show us through their lens how incredible we are, it changes everything.

[00:17:34] Brenda: And so as Kathy was able to mirror for me, I began to evolve and change and step more into confidence, which allowed me to form other relationships with people, whether or not they're intuitive or sensitive, although many of my close friends are sensitive, they may not be intuitive in the same way that I am, but they are sensitive and they're heart-centered, which is something I just feel so grateful for. And the more I lean into that, the more people seem to find me and come into my world that matches that heart-centered energy. Like you, for example.

[00:18:15] Aneta: Of course. Isn't that amazing? When we are open and receptive, like what we're able to invite in and what we attract into our life. And the people. And you're right. When we surround ourselves with people who also acknowledge or mirror, as you said, our gifts and others, I just feel like everybody rises and elevates. It just all of the energy together. One plus one equals a hundred, not two. Right. It just is amazing.

[00:18:42] Aneta: So, let's talk for those that don't know what Reiki is or maybe have never heard some of these terms, like a highly sensitive person, do you mind spending just a little bit of time talking about reiki as an energy modality and also like your definition of a highly sensitive person. Cause I know you just posted an article even about this today on Instagram that I think people would really take a look and read.

[00:19:04] Brenda: Yeah. So Reiki is one form of energy healing. It's a Japanese form of energy healing that promotes the body's natural relaxation response, which allows for healing to happen. And so, Reikis has been around for several hundred years. And it's only one healing modality. There are commonalities between a lot of the healing modalities. But energy has no walls. We are made up of 99.999% energy. And so that's the reason that energy healing can be so transformative.

[00:19:35] Brenda: Even the breath work that you and I both do is a form of energy healing. And when we can shift the energy into the direction of the things that we really want in our lives and away from the things that we don't feel as good about. Our lives changed dramatically, so I just love that. And I have a question for you that I want to come back to. I just want to plant the seed. I'd love to hear more about your people-pleasing healing journey. And your sensitivity, but before I ask you that question, I want to just explain what being highly sensitive is.

[00:20:13] Brenda: So it used to be kind of a taboo term, quite frankly. Like you are too sensitive. And I'm saying that in air quotes of course, but there was a research study in 1997 that revealed up to 20% of the population has more neurotransmitters and neuroreceptors in their brain, making them what pop culture has termed highly sensitive. There was another paper that was released in 2019 that also talks about these sensitivities being part of our biological makeup. And this paper in 2019 said that between 20 and 30% of the population is actually highly sensitive. So some of the qualities of somebody who's highly sensitive might be that they have saturation points.

[00:21:03] Brenda: Of sounds that are lower than other people, like maybe at the end of the day it just gets to be too much and they need some quiet in order to function. Or it might be that scratchy or uncomfortable clothing is just intolerable. Or it could be that bright lights in the room, even sunlight, really tax the nervous system. Or it might be that you need more space to function and space and time to think and process. And if you don't allow yourself that, it just feels like constant chaos. So those are just some of the qualities of somebody who might be highly sensitive. And it's important to acknowledge because if we had a best friend who we knew felt better in a soft fabric and lighting that was ambient with lamps and quiet music playing in the background.

[00:21:55] Brenda: We would do that for our best friend because we know that it would make her feel better, of course. And if we ignore that in ourselves. It really starts to affect how we feel about ourselves, and it also can lead to resentment. We start to resent the people around us, even though they've not done anything, but we're resenting them because we want to feel better. And we don't. And so taking care of that, I'm sorry, I interrupted you. Go ahead. I saw you were going to say something.

[00:22:23] Aneta: No, not at all, Brenda. I was just going to acknowledge that. It's so interesting because people always use the term, you're so sensitive. It definitely was like a judgment. And usually, I think people implied that somehow the person was responding in a way that is different than they would respond, right? And so there is the judgment that it was wrong, but I think about these young children, because my daughter was a highly sensitive child and I knew that and I read a book about it because she definitely was sensitive to noise and too light and smells like if a certain food or we took her to a restaurant, macaroni Grill and opera singers used to sing, come to the table, she'd plug her ears. It was just too much for her or if there are too many people around. But I think about our classrooms in the United States, in which every wall, every space is filled with stuff and it is not a soothing environment.

[00:23:21] Aneta: And now you've got devices everywhere, which are also very stimulating, especially for anybody, but also for people with sensitivity. So do you see any of this workaround sensitivity coming into our education system at all? Cause I know you were an educator, so you probably saw a little bit of this in the thought of ways to make it better, but do you think there is an opportunity to address this so that the kids who are highly sensitive have a better chance of being successful and feeling comfortable and not feeling like there is something wrong with them?

[00:23:55] Brenda: Absolutely, I do. And you know there is at least 30% of the population in children that is sensitive and it manifests in oftentimes less than ideal behavior because when we see it in children, it's often at their breaking point. And so it shows up as tantrums or acting out or defiance and maybe it looks like avoiding eye contact or covering the ears, which may not be great in an educational setting because if the teacher's asking for eye contact or sees a child plugging their ears, it can be interpreted as disrespect, but it's not. It's literally a coping mechanism on the part of the kid. And so I saw this a lot.

[00:24:46] Brenda: And I also want to back up and just say one thing, being highly sensitive is not diagnosable. It's not a disorder. There is nothing wrong with you. It is not the same thing as a sensory processing disorder, which we do hear about in education, especially in special education. This is not a disorder. This is not something that you could go to therapy or even should go to therapy, like occupational therapy or something about it is literally just a different way of processing sensory input and emotionality and space.

[00:25:18] Brenda: And so knowing that it's just a different way of thinking and engaging with the world can be supportive. But in classrooms, and in fact, I have a presentation about this that I teach in schools to teachers and offering to teach them to breathe work and then also some ways to help deescalate tense and chaotic situations for students and also prevent the escalations using breathwork and some things that just go hand in hand with sensitivity. And the great news is that because the highly sensitive kid is the most reactive and the most sensitive, it's still going to benefit every other kid in the classroom.

[00:26:01] Brenda: That's right. Some of these themes might mean taking breaks from overhead lights. It's amazing what an impact that can have on the classroom. And so, if you've got the bright fluorescent lights, maybe you can create a little bit of softness by putting one of those fabric covers. They make them in fluorescent light sizes, or you could sew one yourself and just kind of tone down the light a little bit and create some ambient lighting in the corners of the classroom.

[00:26:27] Brenda: And so for the parents out there this is something that your teachers are going to be financing themselves. So if you want to help your kids, help your teachers buy these items because otherwise, they're coming out of the teacher's pocket because every teacher is responsible for creating their own classroom.

[00:26:46] Aneta: Yeah. I'm so glad you added that because my sister and brother-in-law are educators and so many other folks that we know, and you're right, sometimes people would like to be able to do something and be able to finance it, but it may not be available to them. So what are wonderful tips to remind people to help out, especially if it's not their own child, for, the benefit of someone else?

[00:27:08] Aneta: You said two things before I wanted to go back to talk a little bit about energetic hygiene. First of all, I love the term and I think that for those that maybe have never heard it before what does that mean and how are we able to do it? And then maybe some other tips on ways that we can heal our nervous system.

[00:27:26] Aneta: Because I think everybody has dysregulation with their nervous systems right now. I mean, the state of burnout increased and continues to be a challenge for many of us. So do you mind spending just a little bit of time talking through that, the energetic hygiene and healing of the nervous system?

[00:27:42] Brenda: Yeah, I would love to. So if we think about energetic hygiene, the word hygiene means clean. And energy refers to our own energy. So if you've ever just said to somebody, I love your energy. We all often understand and intuit what energy is, and yet we don't realize that we also have it. And so when you're attracted to someone, you're attracted to their energy, okay? So just kind of understand a little bit about that. So like I said, we're 99.999% energy and only 0.001% matter. One way that we can clean up our energy, and this is so simple, is to hydrate. So of the 99.999% of us, that is energy in the one point or 0.001% that's matter.

[00:28:32] Brenda: That is between 60 and 70% water. So if we are dehydrated, we're like a raisin. Think about the difference between a grape and a raisin. So we're just, it's not good. And think about how absorbing, is that the right word?

[00:28:50] Aneta: Absorbent?

[00:28:51] Brenda: Yep. Thank you. That's it. Absorbent a raisin is if you soak a raisin in something, it soaks stuff up. But if you put a grape in something, it's not going to soak things up. We are the same. So by hydrating ourselves, we are that's like step one of creating energetic hygiene because we're not absorbing, we don't have the absorption for the other stuff. So that's something simple that we can all do, and that's going to require us to use the bathroom more than we are currently using the bathroom.

[00:29:24] Brenda: And so I tell all my clients and everybody that I know, if you can make one move today, That will literally change the rest of your life. It's going to the bathroom when you have to go.

[00:29:37] Aneta: Yes. And non-negotiable. Why is that even a thing? Why is that a thing, Brenda?

[00:29:44] Brenda: I know. I wondered the same. I've wondered the same. So, if we allow ourselves to go to the bathroom, then another thing starts to happen. We realize how much we've outsourced our own power and our own agency. Because if you are sitting there holding it and you're uncomfortable and your bladder starts to hurt, and then your belly starts to hurt, and then your hips and your pelvis start to hurt because you have to go to the bathroom so much and then you finally go and you start to feel better, but then you realize, I could have gone to the bathroom an hour ago.

[00:30:17] Brenda: And felt better this whole hour, and I wouldn't have been thinking about, where's this gay patch? When can I go? I wonder if they're done talking. And one of the things that you'll notice in really successful people, all really successful people in any career field is they will tell you, excuse me, I need to use the restroom. And they will go,

[00:30:38] Aneta: Okay, I need to stop you right here because this, I love this conversation. Because I will tell you right now, when I work with companies and I'm working, do wellness programs for companies, people absolutely admit that they're not going to the restroom. They're not drinking the water because they can't take breaks because there are no breaks in between meetings.

[00:30:58] Aneta: It's really this crazy pace and schedule that we've created where we are denying ourselves basic rights, basic agency, as you said. But don't you think that some of this behavior starts in school when we were younger and it was so embarrassing to raise your hand and to be said, wait until the class is over or not now? And we were denied sometimes the ability to use the restroom when we needed to.

[00:31:24] Brenda: A hundred percent. And it starts with the teachers because the teachers are also being denied the use of the restroom. And so one of the things in the last four to five years of my teaching before I transitioned out fully was I would dismiss the class one minute early and take the next class one minute late because my schedule was back to back to back to back classes. 12 a day, 30 minutes each. And the only break I had was at lunch. And so I decided that I had it, I had complained about it for years, and I was like, angry and resentful.

[00:32:00] Brenda: And finally I decided I'm going to dismiss them one minute early. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to come in one minute late and everybody will be okay with it. And I just decided, and you know what? They were all okay. And then I went to my principal a little bit guilty, and I said, hey, this is what I'm doing because the schedule doesn't allow for me to use the restroom.

[00:32:19] Brenda: And my principal said, that's a good idea. I wonder why we didn't think of that earlier. And I had this whole story in my head for all these years about why I couldn't possibly use the restroom. And I think that we do that to ourselves in any number of careers.

[00:32:35] Aneta: Right. This is great. So permission to everybody listening, use the restroom when you need to use the restroom, and the teacher to do the same and I love this notion. I hadn't heard this before of hydrating, because then when you are hydrated like a grape, you cannot take on, I guess you were saying other people's energies or we're less susceptible to picking up other energies. So that's awesome.

[00:33:01] Brenda: Yeah. It's so impactful and there are a couple of other things that you can do if you're not super activated or escalated. Something you can do just right now is to just come back into your central channel. And what I mean by central channel is if you imagine your spinal cord, just imagine pooling your energy from your head to your sit bones. Just pooling your energy in that column. That's really impactful. Now, in case of an emergency, and an emergency would be, let's say that there is something going on at work that's very stressful and everybody around you is activated and escalated and there is just an elevated amount of stress you can zip up. Like literally zip up going from the bottom of your torso up over the top of your head and making the physical motion of zipping up is so helpful. And, I wouldn't necessarily advise you to do this like, In a romantic relationship, you don't want to zip up against your spouse because it does create a little bit of an energetic barrier.

[00:34:04] Brenda: But in those stressful situations at work, or even maybe if you're having a conflict with your spouse, you could do that just to be able to understand better what's mine. What's my responsibility? How am I feeling and leave what's yours to you? And so that zipping up is really helpful and you can teach it to your kids too. It makes such a difference because our kids are going into really chaotic environments right now. Not because of teachers, but because teachers are doing absolutely wonderful work and they're doing the best that they can. And they're being asked to do so much with. No resources. And so the environment is chaotic. Even the best environments are a little chaotic. And so if you can teach your kids how to zip up, it really will impact them in a positive way.

[00:34:53] Aneta: I love this one, it is something I've been practicing for years because I remember hearing that the reason we feel [00:35:00] uncomfortable when someone looks at us up and down is because what they're doing is the opposite. They're energetically unzipping us. And so you feel when someone's like looks from. Up down, you're like, that doesn't feel good. It feels a little icky. I feel vulnerable. But choosing to zip ourselves up before you go into those situations, I've done it so often and I did it especially when I was in my corporate career, but also when I know I'm going into stressful situations or with certain folks, it's just really is helpful and I've taught that to my kids too. I just think it's one of those things that absolutely works.

[00:35:36] Brenda: I love that. Could you tell us a little bit about your people-pleasing healing journey?

[00:35:42] Aneta: Sure. So mine started with, those that listened to this podcast know this, I immigrated to this country as a young child. So came here when I was four, and by the time I started kindergarten, I didn't speak any English. I still didn't speak any English, so I couldn't communicate, think about it, sitting in a chair and unable to communicate. I had a tutor that would come in, for like, I don't know, an hour, half an hour during lunch or something, but most of the time I was just sitting there and observing and so I wanted to fit in. My biggest desire was fit in, don't stand out, don't be different. Try to make friends, get the teachers to like you really sort of gaining that. The authority figures liked me and acknowledged me in any way that I could.

[00:36:31] Aneta: And so I couldn't communicate well and I wasn't able to read yet in English, everything was hard academically until about second grade. And so I had to use whatever I could to get people to like me, and that was the one thing that I could lean on. But it also really heightened my observation skills. And so I think like you, I'm intuitive in the sense that when you're not talking and you are listening, but you can't actually listen with your ears to understand language. You're watching interactions, you're watching behaviors, you're picking up on energy, on moods. And so I think those first couple of years when it was, probably the first year was hard.

[00:37:14] Aneta: After that, I started developing these language skills, because kids pick up on it. Then my perfectionism kicked in. Because I was like, now that I've caught up to everyone, now I need to be the best. Like now I want to stand out. So I've been working through all these things for the last 51 years. So that's, I think where mine started. And it also was just between, and a lot of immigrant kids feel this way about two different cultures. And so it's, what do I need to do to be successful at school and then eventually at work and this very Americanized society? And then who do I need to be to continue to make my family proud and do what I need to do?

[00:37:48] Aneta: Maintain culture, maintain the language, maintain customs, and all these behaviors and everything else that's expected of me. So It was a lot. And I think that sort of little soup of complexity defined who I was, and now I feel like over the last several years I've been trying to shed some of those things and let it go and say, okay, I think I'm ready to put these stories down.

[00:38:12] Brenda: Thank you for sharing that. Appreciate it. I bet you can read a room. I bet that you pick up on body language cues really, really well.

[00:38:20] Aneta: I do. And I think that. I've always tried to disarm people, make people feel very comfortable, and so the other thing that I did and I still try to do, is to just make people feel so comfortable because that was one of the things that I gravitated towards people who were able to do that for me when I didn't feel comfortable in so many situations. And I think that's one of my superpowers. Just extending that to others is one of those things that I love to do. But yes, I do kind of read the room. I'm an introvert by nature, and so I am one of those people by the end of the night is like, I don't need to talk to anyone. I just want to sit by myself or read my book or just meditate or go for a walk. Some of those things. Yeah.

[00:39:01] Brenda: Thank you for sharing that.

[00:39:03] Aneta: Of course. And that's how we all are. We are all on this journey. And so I want to talk a little bit about the time you decided that you were going to stop teaching. And you're then on the next step of building this career as an entrepreneur, as a healer. And you do so many things today. So do you want to spend a little bit of time just kind of talking about, the leap from maybe being a full-time educator? Into what you are doing today, which you are still teaching people of course, and loving them and nurturing them, but it's a little bit different.

[00:39:36] Brenda: I would love to. So I worked my business part-time for about six or seven years and it was just something that I did on the side while I was teaching. And during the pandemic, I had been working three jobs, so I was running my business teaching full-time, and directing a prestigious children's choir for the opera company in my local community. And when the pandemic came, I was left with nothing but time, like all of us.

[00:40:06] Brenda: And I realized, I don't want to live this way. I am like in hustle culture. So there was a little seed planted that I wanted to make a change. And then as I realized, I want this change for myself, and I have this skillset as a healer, and I'm going to school every day and I'm watching kids, and I'm watching the kids come in, stressed out. Because their homes are experiencing tremendous levels of stress. Because their parents also don't have a way to regulate their nervous systems or their stress level because this is unprecedented. This is something we've never seen before. We've never had to work full-time jobs and teach our kids from home and log them into Zoom for school.

[00:40:53] Brenda: And so as the kids began to integrate back into the building, I thought what I was seeing in their homes would dissipate. And what I saw was that they were still in crisis. And that families are still in crisis. And I realized that I have the skill set to actually help the families and I can impact a lot more kids by stepping out of the classroom and beginning to teach this to the wider population and helping parents to learn to soothe their nervous systems, regulate their nervous systems. And create their own sense of energetic hygiene, which is going to impact the kids. And so I had this seed plan and I really wanted to do it.

[00:41:36] Brenda: And I was scared to take the leap. And I was teaching one night in a challenge that I host from time to time called Yes to Me. And I was saying to people, just do the thing that brings you joy and move away from everything else. And then I got off the call and I was like, I have to go to school on Monday. And I thought, there is an integrity problem there. And so I logged on again on Tuesday and I was saying a similar message with a different way of saying it, and I logged off and I thought, I have to go to school on Monday. And I thought I am in a major integrity problem. I can't do this.

[00:42:14] Brenda: By Wednesday I resigned. And school was starting the next week and I said to the district, I'm so sorry. Thank you, thank you. Thank you for having me. I loved my time here, but I'm not coming back. And they said, well, we understand and while we wish you well, we really need a teacher, so we need to put you on hold or, and like have you work for us until a certain period of time has passed or we need you to help us find someone to fill the position. Well, I'm very well connected in the coral world, and so I reached out and within a day I had the position filled and the rest is history. That was in August of 2022. And so I'm just coming up on the first year anniversary of taking the leap into running my business full-time.

[00:42:59] Aneta: Yes. Congratulations.

[00:43:01] Brenda: Thank you.

[00:43:01] Aneta: Congratulations. And of course, you found someone within a day because of you. We’re seeking to be in integrity. You were seeking to leverage your superpowers, you were seeking to bring all these things. You were already on your journey, as you said, for many years, right? Six years, seven years, eight years, whatever it was. And isn't it fascinating that when you just feel that knowing so deep in your bones and your soul, you're like, no, I can't do this anymore? Time to go. Yeah.

[00:43:30] Brenda: Yeah. And it was so clear. Like there was no question, it was like, I literally cannot do this. It's just not going to work.

[00:43:40] Aneta: that totally resonates with me cause I had the same feeling too, and I left my corporate job. So in a year, I just want to applaud all the things that you've done. So can you just talk about you have a podcast? Which is in the top 5% of all global podcasts. And your podcast is called It's a yes-filled life.

[00:43:59] Brenda: Yeah. Your Yes-Filled Life.

[00:44:01] Aneta: Because you just, your yes-filled life, because you just rebranded it. So

[00:44:04] Brenda: I did. Yeah.

[00:44:05] Aneta: Tell me about how long have you had the podcast and why you chose to rebrand it.

[00:44:10] Brenda: I started the podcast in April 2022, and so it just passed its year anniversary and I rebranded it because I realized it was called Waves of Joy because I truly believe that we can find joy in the ups and downs of daily life and that it's essential for us to do that. But I realized that the joy comes from saying yes. That we have to be willing to show up for ourselves and allow the things that we desire, allow ourselves to do the things that we want to do that we're called to do that make us feel really good. And so I realized that for me, the yes feels expansive and that the yes is the pathway to joy. And so I rebranded my whole company, my whole brand around the word Yes. So Your Yes Filled Life is the podcast and the brand and I help people find their Yes.

[00:45:08] Aneta: I love that so much. And so my podcast, what I do is talking about living the width of our life, which I think is so similar. And it just, that's why it's saying yes, just sounds amazing. What does it mean to you to live the width of your life? How would you define that in your own life and what would you tell others who maybe aren't there today?

[00:45:30] Brenda: Well, I think that there are stages, right? There is this stage where we're just kind of peeking through the curtains of, I wonder if more is possible. And for that person, I would say the way to live the width of your life for the person just peeking through the curtains is to give yourself permission to do one thing you really want. One bold thing, whether it's going to a concert of somebody you really like or maybe taking that dance class you really wanted to take or signing up for cooking or watching a YouTube video on how to start a podcast or whatever it is, just give yourself that a little permission, a baby step, something that just feels really good.

[00:46:11] Brenda: And for the person that is much more ready to embrace something bigger, I would say be bold. And just do the thing and create support by seeking like-minded people around you. So like in our community we have together Aneta. We elevate each other and find people like that. And if you don't have them in your personal life, you may not.

[00:46:39] Brenda: And that's okay. It doesn't mean your people are bad. It doesn't mean you have to leave them behind. It just means you need to put yourself in some different rooms. And then for the person who's really ready for the yes, I would say invest in yourself, whatever that means. Whether that means investing time or resources or money, or effort in learning a new skill or in elevating the thing that you really want to do. Just embrace it.

[00:47:06] Brenda: And we all know this on some level, we all have it. It's the thing that we think about the last thing before we close our eyes at night, and the first thing when we open our eyes in the morning, we know that we want this thing. And so that's living the width of your life allowing yourself to do the thing that's going to get you one step closer. To the thing that you dream about.

[00:47:29] Aneta: I love that so much, and I am with you. I think that we choose to be joyful, and we choose to be able to find those things that give us joy every single day, like this conversation with you today for me. And Brenda, I want to applaud you for all the amazing work that you are doing. I want to applaud you for being courageous, being bold, standing in your integrity, and creating not only this life for yourself but then turning that into a business to help so many other people. You are definitely living your superpower and a yes-filled life. And so I want to just applaud you for that cause I think it's beautiful. How can we support you? How can this audience support you and where can they find you best?

[00:48:11] Brenda: Well, I'm on Instagram at Brenda Winkle, and I'm probably most active on Instagram. I'm on Facebook and LinkedIn. I'm a little bit less active there, but I'm there. My website is brendawinkle.com and if somebody's looking to find a way to there, yes, offer two things, a one-on-one offer, call heal to the Yes, which is one-on-one healing and coaching, and just breath work.

[00:48:34] Brenda: Getting whatever the muck is that might be in your way of your Yes. Getting that out. And then I offer a group program called Yes Academy, which is designed to help you find your path to, yes. And we dive into all the things helping you dream into that yes. Make it even bigger. And then really addressing with total reality and integrity, anything that might be blocking it, and then lovingly helping you get those blocks out of the way.

[00:49:03] Aneta: I love it so much. We'll be sure to include all of those links in the show notes. Thank you for your time today. I just really enjoyed our conversation and I'm so grateful for you and grateful that you were part of my community.

[00:49:16] Brenda: Thank you for having me, Aneta I love this conversation and if I can ever be a support for you or for anybody that's listening, I would love to be. Thank you for all you do.

[00:49:25] Aneta: Thank you. Have an amazing day.

[00:49:27] Brenda: You too.

[00:49:28] Aneta: Thank you for listening to today's episode. If you have lost your zest for life and wondering if there is more to life than this, I want you to know that there is. If you're tired of being burned out and overworked, I was there. And now I want to help you. Download my free, easy-to-implement Daily Routines checklist to empower you to take control of your personal health and well-being and start to feel good again. Head out to my website for your copy, and I will see you next week.

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