Episode 159 transcript: Finding Freedom Beyond Fear: Constance Howard’s Journey from Emmy-Winning Journalist to Empowered Coach
[00:00:00] Constance: I just went all over, and I climbed that corporate ladder at a time when there were not many African Americans in TV news, and there were none running news departments.
So I was really very happy about that. And so I loved it, I lived it, I breathed it. That was all I ever wanted to do, and I loved it until I didn't love it. Like a lot of women, we come to the end of a season and we think, What am I going to do? I never anticipated the season would be over, and so who am I if I'm not the... of, whatever. If I'm not the news director, if I'm not the executive producer, what will people think? What will I do?
[00:00:42] Aneta: We often hear people wishing us a long, happy, and healthy life, but what if the length isn't what matters most? What if instead, it's the breath depth and purpose of each day that matters most? Welcome to the Live the Width of Your Life podcast. My name is Aneta Ardelian Kuzma, and join me weekly as I interview guests who have made changes in their own lives to live more fully with intention, gratitude, and joy. Be prepared to be inspired by their stories of how they shifted their mindset, took courageous action, and designed the life that they always wanted to live.
Welcome back to Live the With of Your Life podcast. My guest this week is Constance Howard, and she's a powerhouse executive coach on a mission to help professional women silence self-doubt, break free from imposter syndrome, and boldly pursue the lives they've always dreamed of. And before becoming a coach, she built a successful 40-year career in broadcast journalism.
She worked all over the world. She won four MAs for her work in Washington, DC, and she's faced many of the same challenges that many high-achieving women endure: fear, self-doubt, and the constant pressure to prove herself. She uses that lived experience to guide women through their own seasons of transformation, to reclaim their voice, and to live with purpose and lead with courage. I had such a great conversation with her. Take a listen.
Constance, thank you so much for joining me today.
[00:02:09] Constance: Thank you for having me. I've watched several podcasts that you've done, and they're always so impactful, so I'm very happy and honored to be with you today.
[00:02:17] Aneta: I'm so grateful that you are here and I'm so looking forward to our conversation because I know that you and I might have a couple things in common in terms of our shared experiences as women in the workforce, but also just I think and our hearts and for the mission that we both have when it comes to helping others.
So, for those who aren't as familiar with you. I'm really curious if you could share a little bit about the shift that you made from having this really amazing Emmy award-winning career in journalism and shifting to being the amazing executive coach that you are today.
[00:02:58] Constance: Well, I started. I'm from a small town in upstate New York, and so I always wanted to shake the dust of a small town off of me, and TV news gave me that opportunity because I went all over the country. I worked in big cities. Small cities. I just went all over, and I climbed that corporate ladder at a time when there were not many African Americans in TV news, and there were none running news departments.
So I was really very happy about that. And so I loved it, I lived it, I breathed it. That was all I ever wanted to do, and I loved it until I didn't love it. Does that make sense to you? I loved it until it was just over, and I think like a lot of women, we come to the end of a season and we think, what am I going to do?
I never anticipated the season would be over, and so who am I if I'm not the of? Whatever, if I'm not the news director, if I'm not the executive producer, what will people think? What will I do? You go through all of those things. So, I was in TV news for 30-plus years, and so I know what it's like to have an identity that you're just clinging to.
They're going to have to claw it from you if they want to take it from you. And I know what it's like to realize that the music stopped and you're still dancing, but there's no music.
[00:04:25] Aneta: Yeah. It's so interesting that you say that because I've had so many conversations with women about identity and there's a piece of the identity that I think we, not just cling to, but it's almost like the identity, if you were interested in journalism from before, sometimes we take on the identity of this is who I am, this is what I want, this is who I'm going to become, even before we're in it.
And then when you reinforce that, as you said, for three decades, what happened? Was there a moment? Were there little warning signs where you started to say, Huh, there's something that's not right here.
[00:05:06] Constance: Yes. First, it starts very quietly. That voice says that it's time to move on, and then it gets louder and louder. And I kept trying to shove it away. I thought, let me vacation this voice away. Let me just keep running until I just can't anymore. I didn't like the way I was being treated.
I didn't like the way TV news was changing. All of those feelings were coming together. And I remember being in the conference room with the news director, and I don't know if you've ever had this experience, but you're looking at someone and you're seeing this you don't, and occasionally you'll hear your name, but everything else is, and I remember thinking, this is it. This is it. And I went home, and I wrote a resignation letter that I didn't turn in for two years.
[00:06:05] Aneta: Wow.
[00:06:06] Constance: I decided at that moment I had had enough and that I was no longer that person. My identity started to shift. I'd no longer be identified as a journalist; I'm on the clock 24/7.
I no longer wanted that, and I started to shift. Now, what I remember in the letter was like, Dear, thank you so much for this opportunity. I'm moving on to.
[00:06:34] Aneta: Yeah.
[00:06:35] Constance: And, there are so many blanks in this letter. And I tucked it away. I tucked it away in my Bible, and I slowly started to figure out who I was and what I wanted to do, and how my skills could shift into something different.
[00:06:53] Aneta: I want to unpack a lot there because it's so interesting, because I also spent two years after I decided in my heart and made that commitment also with God, okay, I hear you.
You don't have to hit me with a rubber mallet, like we're okay, I got this, we're change. But I was waiting on divine timing and taking the actions because it's really hard to dismantle and to let go of an identity if you don't know what the new one is.
And so there's this process of deconditioning for me, and then a remembering of who I am underneath all of this. Like, what is the remembering, and I couldn't put a timeline on that. I didn't know how long that would take. So was that your experience as well?
[00:07:35] Constance: Absolutely.
[00:07:36] Aneta: Yeah.
[00:07:37] Constance: I took time to just do the most uncomfortable thing I could do, which was spend time with myself.
[00:07:44] Aneta: Yes.
[00:07:46] Constance: Like, where are all my friends? Because, no, I'm not the life of the party here. So, I had to do that uncomfortable thing of spending time with myself and recognizing the patterns that I have in my life. And then remember who that person was at the very start of my career.
At the very start, you have nothing to lose. So you go for everything. You have no fear. You don't know the people. You might be working, but you don't know them, so how can you take it personally? You have a goal and your eye is on the prize, and that's it. You're just barreling through.
But then, when you get a little bit of money, you get a few vacations. You start thinking I can't let this go. And so I had to reconnect with the person I was decades ago. I had to relearn what she likes, what she likes about herself.
There was so much that I didn't like. I didn't like the fact that I was from a small town, so let me fudge that a little bit.
I didn't like that I went to a state University in New York. Okay, let's gloss over that. And so I had to go back to all of the things that made that small town what it was. We call them SUNYs, that SUNY made me. All of those experiences came together to make who I am.
And I had to go back to that and realize that that was my foundation.
[00:09:18] Aneta: Yeah. And you're able to claim all those things that you'd created some story around that it wasn't good enough or whatever, the story was. Did you work on your own, or did you hire a coach or someone to help you during the process?
[00:09:32] Constance: I had two things. I had a coach, and I worked on it on my own. Because, still at that point, you don't really want everybody to know.
But everybody knows. Everybody knows. But I didn't want everybody to know that I had these conflicting feelings inside. I wanted to sort it out, and I didn't want my friends to say, Do you know how much you make?
[00:09:58] Aneta: Yeah.
[00:09:58] Constance: Maybe you ought to rethink this. I didn't want any of those negative voices in my head. And so the coach that I worked with helped me come up with a plan and strategies to get me through the two years. The two years when I was changing my identity, but I still had to be all in,
I still had to get that news covered. I still had to get the show on, and so she gave me the tools that helped me manage my full-time job and the transition because I did the morning show. The morning show is one of the most profitable time slots in TV news because people aren't staying up late.
And so I had a crazy schedule. I'd wake up at 10, and I'd do prayer meditation at 11. I'd watch the news at 12, I'd be on the road, one o'clock, I'd go into the newsroom. The show doesn't go on until four. It gets off at seven. I still have to plan the next day. So some days I was in the newsroom from one A until one P.
But when I was making that transition, I had to, as I would say, I got to sleep fast because my classes for certification were like at six o'clock, seven o'clock in the evening. So I had to sleep fast, get up and do my classes, and then prepare for the next day.
[00:11:17] Aneta: Yeah, that is so hard. And yet it's like you knew that there was an end. Like you knew that you'd made the decision and what you were working towards. What were some of the hardest things? Was it fear or was it something else that was, as you were doing this two-year transition, what were some of the hardest challenges?
[00:11:36] Constance: It was fear because I think a lot of women, remember I'm in my high fifties, early sixties, maybe mid sixties. So there's a lot of fear around that. It's like, if the coaching thing doesn't work out, then who's going to hire you? By this time, you're going to be 67, 66. Who's going to hire you? What are you going to do? What will everybody say? Because they're going to assume you were fired.
[00:12:01] Aneta: Right.
[00:12:03] Constance: So you go through the, okay, what happens? And then you have those people who are not your supporters at your workplace. And so you know that they're going to follow you, they're going to track you, and so in your mind it becomes, it's this, and then you make it like this, you make it huge.
And so there was a lot of fear around, Can I do it? Should I do it? What will my family think? Where will I go? Will I be able to maintain my house? All of those things come into play. But my mom used to say to me, I used to go to her and I would say, Mom, it's A or B, and she would say, bet on you.
Bet on you. And so I tell my clients that a lot of Bet on you. What does your gut tell you? We're so used to not listening to our gut that we don't know what it is. We have to sit with ourselves and realize that our gut will protect us, and our faith will protect us. You won't go through anything that I believe you won't go through anything that wasn't ordained for you and will bring you to your end.
God has plans for you, Jeremiah 29:11. I know the plans I have for you, the plans to prosper you. For me, I had to hold onto those things, but still, it's still a hard road to go as an entrepreneur. It's still a hard road to go. I can remember times when I'm like. Right about now, Lord, I would need some clients.
[00:13:29] Aneta: Isn't it so funny? I was going to ask you about your faith practices and other practices that kept you going because it's lonely, especially if you're planning and you're not sharing with others. And you're sitting with yourself and your thoughts and all the sometimes murky waters. And so for me too, I have very strong faith, and so I never felt like I was doing it alone, but I had to remind myself that I am not doing this alone. And when I finally was able to surrender and let go and release a little bit more. That's always when God was able to come in and do amazing things. So, how had and has your faith continued to help you on your journey?
[00:14:07] Constance: Listen, without my faith, I would not be doing this today because about a year ago, I had gotten to the point where it was like, okay, I must have heard you wrong.
I must have heard you wrong. So let me go back, and I was ready to give it all up. I was burnt out from all the content producing that you have to do.
Not really clear on how to do this social media and stuff. I'm of that generation where it's you really want to see what I ate today? That can't be. So about a year ago, I was like, I think I heard it wrong. And so let me just be quiet and see what comes up. And no matter how far I tried to run from the executive producing, I kept running back into it. It would just hit me again. And friends would call me for advice on something, and I'd fall right into it. And I realized that this is the road that I have to travel, and if I couldn't handle the tough times in the beginning, how would you handle the tough times when you balloon up? When you have more people. Do you have time when you have a staff? All of those things. How would you handle that? That was the groundwork, again, that I'm able to stand on. So I came back to it with a renewed passion and a different understanding that, like you said, you have to trust and release and believe that it's going to work out
[00:15:46] Aneta: Yeah, it's so true. How many years ago did you start your coaching practice?
[00:15:51] Constance: Three years ago.
[00:15:52] Aneta: Yeah, so the first few years, right? It's foundational. You're building it from nothing. I mean, not from nothing, because nothing is wasted. It's one of my favorite things I tell my clients. Nothing is wasted. Every single thing that has happened to you, every gift, every good and bad experience, is a lesson if you allow it to be.
And yet as you're building it. It's wow, this is new. I have to figure these things out. I've never done this before. Or how can I pull in on things I've done? How have you found your clients, or how have they found you?
[00:16:23] Constance: I'm on LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram, but I find that my clients come from LinkedIn, and that makes total sense to me because my clients are older women who have had success and are in search of what's next, or they're mid-career women who are experiencing imposter syndrome.
So I get a lot of people from LinkedIn. The other thing that I find very good for me is to do speaking engagements. I found that one time I did a speaking engagement, I think in New Jersey, and I got off the stage, two people were waiting for me. So I know that if I can get in front of people, my message will resonate with them.
[00:17:00] Aneta: Yeah. It's because in person, I find the same thing. People can feel your energy, and one of the things that you and I talked about is just this idea of having like your tribe, the people, when I remember one of my teachers said, Your vibe attracts your tribe. It's like when people connect and resonate with your energy, with your values, or how you show up, or the things you talk about.
Like attracts like, and people will want to work with you. So I'm not surprised because you're so dynamic that, of course when people, when you talk, they're going to want to spend more time with you. But Constance, let's go back to this concept of imposter syndrome because it is so prevalent, and I know that I've struggled with it.
I don't like to use that word, but the whole concept people understand it. Tell me what you're seeing with your clients, especially women, when it comes to some of these limiting thoughts that they have about themselves.
[00:17:51] Constance: I just recently worked with a woman who went from one Fortune 500 company to another, right? So she's qualified.
There's no Doubt she's qualified. She beat out a whole lot of people to be the chief marketing officer for a Fortune 500 company. And so she came to me because the second she read, Welcome aboard, she thought, Now what? And I know what that's like. You walk into a room and you think, wow, everything is starched and you're just ready to go, and you look around and you go, everybody else is more qualified, talented, more, whatever.
And that happened to her. So she walks into this Fortune 500 company, and she thinks I'm just going to defer to the people who have been there. And so her language reflected that without even knowing it. She did a whole lot of, I think, no, come on.
[00:18:48] Aneta: Yeah.
[00:18:48] Constance: Maybe we. She did all those little things that she wasn't even cognizant of. And so we had to do a whole mind shift change with her. She had to walk in as if she were the chief operating marketing officer. She had to claim that ground, own that space, not go in having to learn the job. She knows the job. So we did a whole lot of things leading up to her first day.
I had her go into the office so that the little things that would trip us up, like how long it takes for us to get to work? She lived in New Jersey. She was traveling to New York. How long would that take her? What would she do to build her team around her? How would she assess people?
How would she allow them to get to know her? So we walked through all of those things, and she wasn't immune. You are not immune to imposter syndrome. It hits women like a ton of bricks. It hits men, too. But for women, it could be crippling.
[00:19:45] Aneta: Yeah.
[00:19:46] Constance: As the way you walk in is the way they're going to perceive you.
The way you walk in is a signal to everybody around you on how they can treat you and what they can say to you, especially for women.
[00:19:58] Aneta: We project so much in everything, like you said. And we know we're familiar with the studies that talk about it, it's the body language. It's the tone of your voice. It's a very small percentage of what you actually say that people remember. So much of this is the work that we talked about earlier about identity.
It's what is this identity of this person? Who am I to step into this role, into how I want to show up? How do I view myself? And it comes down to everything. Speech, what you wear, how you stand, where you sit at the table,
[00:20:31] Constance: Absolutely. Because we come into a conference room, we look for the back seat, we look for the chair the farthest away from the speaker. And we tend to co-sign what other people say as opposed to speaking up first and giving what we think our strategy should be, so yeah, absolutely.
As I said, I did all of those things, I sat in the back, and I co-signed. But when it comes down to doing the work, we're the ones who are in the trenches doing the work.
[00:21:02] Aneta: Yeah.
[00:21:02] Constance: We are the ones executing at a moment's notice. We're the ones dealing with the day-to-day problems. We know we can run a department, we can run a company, but we come in acting like we are the second hand.
[00:21:16] Aneta: Yeah, it's interesting because it's almost easier, I think, if you have a strong work ethic. And it's easier actually to be in the background and to do the work because many times it's the other leadership qualities and traits that require us to actually be more bold, to be a bit uncomfortable as we're building some of those skills.
So what are some of the other things, in addition to imposter syndrome, that you're noticing with your clients and that you work on to help them continue to elevate or to grow into their careers?
[00:21:50] Constance: I think there are a couple of things. One, I want to talk about fear because it shows up in various ways. Not only do we not want to speak up in a meeting, but we also don't want to take a risk, and so I think a lot of women, especially when they get higher up in corporate America, don't want to risk anything.
They don't want to risk making someone angry. They don't want to risk that their idea is going to work. But for men, they feel their idea out there, and if it doesn't work, they just think, okay, that gave us more feedback, more information to do it differently. But women don't take it like that.
We take it personally, so I work on having women identify what their fears are around their position. The other thing, which just went out of my head, so I'll continue with the fear. Oh, here's the other thing. We allow people to define success for us.
[00:22:42] Aneta: Yes.
[00:22:43] Constance: Everybody else says this is what success is. It's a corporate job. It's a title, it's a this, it's this kind of car in the driveway. It's this kind of vacation. And even though we may not want any of that or want less of that, that's what success is: we don't define success for ourselves and embrace that definition. We might say that no, I'm okay with not having that European vacation, but we don't embrace it. We think there must be something wrong with me because everybody else is having a great time. So women come to me and they have this fear about what the future is going to hold for them. Like they can't see that they could carve out a future that is more aligned with their values and beliefs, and that gives them peace of mind, and be okay with it.
[00:23:34] Aneta: Yeah.
[00:23:34] Constance: And that goes back to being okay with who you are.
[00:23:38] Aneta: I've spent a lot of time thinking about this, and I think that when you start and you're young, you don't know any better. You're trying to learn the rules, you're trying to figure out the culture. You're moving from college or school to the workforce, and you're not really creating your own; you're just like, How do I conform? How do I fit in? What does success look like?
And then you get good at it, and then you're like, wow. I do this and I get promoted, or I do this and I get a bonus. And then it just reinforces these behaviors. And I remember thinking, when I get this, then I'll feel better or whatever.
And so then it was like. Life was always forward. What's the next thing? What's the next thing? And I think that all of us, most of us who choose to transition, we reach a point where whatever we thought that was, and we still identify as not being happy or feeling guilty because you're grateful, but also completely disconnected to life.
For me, it was like, what are the sacrifices that I'm making to my health, to my relationships, to my faith, to life, the way I want to live it? And when I started to identify what those things are, and I realized how heavy that was for me, that's when it became, the fears were still there, but there was something heavier, I had more than I prioritized over the fears. And so you still can take action because it just got too uncomfortable.
So I don't know if there were some things that stood out to you or even with your clients where you're like, this is the type of thing that happened when they start to recognize, I'm not going to stay where I am any longer.
[00:25:27] Constance: Yes. Absolutely. When you look at the toll of the imposter syndrome, it's your health, it's your wellbeing. It's your mental state. It's your sense of self-esteem,
Because I felt like every day, a little piece was being nicked away. And it was just reinforced. What are you doing, Connie?
What is happening here? And I think that you look around and you think, I don't want to pay this. This is too high a price. What I tell women also is this: it's not only the cost that you pay, it's what you are transmitting to your daughter.
[00:26:05] Aneta: Yeah.
[00:26:06] Constance: What message are you sending to your daughters? You are telling them, it's okay to be unhappy, just keep working. It's okay to be misaligned with what you do for a living and your values and beliefs. Do you really want to pass that on to your daughter? And that's when a lot of them will stop and go, No, I don't want my daughter to live this kind of a life.
I want her to live a life where, if she walks into a room, all of her is walking into a room. If she wants to go on vacation, she's not thinking about what was happening back at the office? What's happening at the station? Maybe I should get back, maybe I shouldn't take this time off.
But all of that comes when you get quiet and you reconnect with who you are. That's when you realize, wow, I've sacrificed a lot. Now that doesn't mean that it wasn't a blast along the way; there was a lot of it that was fun. That's why I started off by saying there are seasons, and you are just entering into another season of your life.
You have to recognize, appreciate that past season. I traveled a lot. I met a lot of great people, loved it, but when it was over. And you've got to be okay with walking away and holding the best parts of that season in your heart, because all of that you've gone through. It's going to prepare you for the next season.
[00:27:38] Aneta: Yeah. How long did it take for you to release maybe parts of the old identity where you didn't feel like you had to say former journalist, Emmy Award winner?
[00:27:52] Constance: Yeah,
[00:27:52] Aneta: And now, coach, how long did it take for you to just start to embrace this new season?
[00:27:57] Constance: The new season. I would say that it took a good year to really let it go. And I still have moments where I will remember conversations, and I'm thinking, why are you back in the past? You have to keep moving forward. But I still get caught, and I still remember it, but I have to say that my family also helps me. I'm not married, but I have two sisters. And if you have sisters, you know how they don't care about all the things that you think are a big deal. So my inmates are on my bookshelf downstairs. I realize that my head sister had put a little puppet on top of one of them.
[00:28:38] Aneta: Just to keep you humble.
[00:28:39] Constance: And I thought. There you go.
[00:28:45] Aneta: They're so good at doing that, aren't they?
[00:28:47] Constance: Yes. They are,
[00:28:48] Aneta: What have been some of the biggest blessings that you're so grateful for since making the change?
[00:28:53] Constance: I reconnected with people differently. So in TV news, there were opportunities to do a lot of things. And so I provided a lot of opportunities for my family, for friends, that sort of thing. And so part of me was like, if I don't provide those things, are they going to like me? Do they really like me?
You know what I mean? And after I couldn't provide squat. I mean, if you wanted a Coke at McDonald's. Okay. But that's about it. And they were like, so what?
And I think that was such a blessing to be able to just lay that weight down to know that there are people who just accept you the way you come.
[00:29:40] Aneta: Yeah.
[00:29:41] Constance: That was a blessing, and it was also a blessing to know that I, like me, I like me after going through years of doubting me, of doubting my skills and all that, and I just liked me. I told myself so many stories, like women do, that were not true. For example, I told myself that I was a stress eater because who in the newsroom isn't a stress eater?
And so that was me. I was like, yeah, I'm a stress eater. My people in the newsroom would be like, Oh, okay, here comes the Coke and the fries and all that, because she's a stress eater. And when I left TV news, I realized I'm not a stress eater. I'm not, but I was 80 pounds overweight. I could get rid of all of that, and like me.
[00:30:31] Aneta: Yeah, when you left the environment, you were probably regulating your nervous system, and the cortisol dropped, and so suddenly, the self-soothing coping skills, you didn't need them. You're like, oh, I don't need to reach for this. This doesn't necessarily make me feel good.
[00:30:48] Constance: It's funny when you said that because I immediately started thinking of one thing in the newsroom. There are TVs all over; when you hear the competitors, breaking news, you freeze. So now when I hear breaking news, I think,
[00:31:03] Aneta: Yeah, you're like, it's not my job to figure that out.
[00:31:06] Constance: Right. You'd better get the live truck going.
[00:31:11] Aneta: Constance, if people want to find you, if they want to work with you, what are some of the ways that you work with your clients, and what's the best way that they can get in touch with you?
[00:31:22] Constance: As I said, LinkedIn is a great way because I'm always on LinkedIn and I find a lot of women via LinkedIn. I also have a YouTube channel and my website, which is constancehowardllc.com, and it has all the links to YouTube, LinkedIn, and all that kind of stuff. So that might be the easiest way to get me, constancehowardllc.com.
[00:31:43] Aneta: Wonderful. And then I ask all my guests a final question, which is, What does it mean to you to live the width of your life?
[00:31:51] Constance: Okay. I think what it means for me is to embrace the highs and the lows and to be okay with them
and to know that all of that makes you who you are. And I also think that it means looking at yourself the way God looks at you. He doesn't look at you with fault or blame or judgment. It means being able to see yourself, love yourself, accept yourself, embrace yourself with all of your flaws, with all of your dings and dents and all of that, and be okay with that and live a full life.
[00:32:35] Aneta: I love it. Constance, I am so excited that we have this conversation, and we'll include all the details in the show notes. And I just wish you continued success.
[00:32:45] Constance: Thank you so much. I've had the pleasure of joining you today.
[00:32:49] Aneta: Thank you.
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